What happens when an organized, structured, controlling person tries to wing it, to fly by the seat of her pants, to find a free place to sleep for the night without organizing a single blessed thing in advance?
HIGH STRESS, that’s what happens!
I have been trying to dance a fine line between ‘organized’ and ‘instinctive’, between ‘planned’ and ‘easy-going’, ‘researched’ and ‘open to possibility’. But let’s face it, folks. When it comes right down to it, I just might be a highly structured person banging my head on the door of ‘free spiritedness’, and there’s a massive headache right around the corner.
Yesterday someone asked me, “So, Arjenna, why ARE you trying to wing it? Why not just accept that you’re a Type A, and organize things ahead of time? What’s wrong with that? It would be so much less stressful! ”
Hmm. Why indeed?
Well, in truth, because I knew it would make me more stressed and anxious!
In Gabor Mate’s book “When the Body Says No” he talks about the importance of emotional competence: “Emotional competence is what we need to develop if we are to protect ourselves from the hidden stresses that create a risk to health, and it is what we need to regain if we are to heal.”
One of the skills emotional competence requires is “the capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware when we are experiencing stress.” In addition, we require the ability to express our emotions effectively, to discern whether our emotional reactions are due to a current threat or some residue from the past, and to acknowledge our genuine needs instead of repressing them in order to gain approval.
Certain personality types (ie. mine), according to Mate, are more prone to experiencing physiological stress due to poor emotional competence. The holding in of emotions (especially anger) does damage to the body over time. Many of Mate’s patients, critically ill or on their death bed, were perpetually pleasant, smiling, and frequently told others that everything was ‘fine’. Rather than this being an attempt to experience genuine joy and see beauty in spite of their pain, these patients seemed to have lost touch with their own feelings, their anger, and their fears, and moreover had done so since childhood. Unfortunately (or fortunately), when one loses touch with the emotions, the body is still aware. It whispers at first, but if not heard, eventually it screams.
I know that screaming.
I also know what it is to feel a lack of connection with one’s body and one’s emotions, to be a perfectionist, to always be trying to please others, to not know how to express (or even to feel) strong emotions, to judge certain emotions as bad and to try to change them without ever having really experienced them or asked what was beneath them.
Many of us do. Some of us learn emotional competence sooner rather than later. And for most it’s a lifelong process.
So, why do my trip this way?
I guess part of me was curious as to whether I could open myself up, with gentleness and non-judgement, to whatever arose.
And boy have things arisen!! If nothing else, trying to wing it and forcing myself out of my comfort zone have truly shown me how much the triad of anxiety, fear, and stress affect my thinking, my patterns, and most of all my body. If I had any hopes of seeing myself as a Wonder Woman, blythly wandering around the country with courage and a new profound self-confidence, conquering all, they were to be dashed by about, oh, Day 2.
Recognizing emotions always leads me to the hidden ‘stories’ in my head which cause those emotions. And what stories there are! Stories around incompetence, lack of trust, what others think of me, failure, control, expectation, worth. They are circling in the back of my mind, hovering just out of consciousness, only recognizable because of the emotions they elicit. Frankly, those emotions are easily dealt with by distraction, a cup of good coffee, keeping busy, surfing the internet, checking facebook, eating chocolate, a glass of wine, sleep. But my body is not so easily placated.
Police car behind me? Every muscle is tight as a drum.
Steep winding road? White knuckles and neck so painful I can barely turn it to see what’s coming next.
No place to sleep yet tonight? Late for an appointment? Have to call someone I don’t know? Is my website satisfactory? Is this sentence ok? Did I just make a fool of myself? Do I have enough money to get me back home? Is that an odd noise from my car? What am I going to DO when I get back to Ontario? Do I have enough time to get to that town? Did I just cut that guy off? Are they honking at me? Is there a point to this trip? Did that ranger see my illegal campspot? Where can I park????
The beautiful scenery, fun opportunities, and interesting people whiz by in a hardly noticed blur, camouflaged by negativity and worry.
And when I get out of the car, I can hardly straighten up. My hips are so tight it hurts to take a step. Sitting is painful. Standing hurts. Sciatic is going on strike. Everything hurts on a level that is barely tolerable.
The question is this: Can I notice how my body feels, instead of always trying to distract myself from the physical and emotional stress, and can I do it with love?
It is not until I can be present with my own emotions, with gentleness, respect, and kindness, that I can truly be with others’ emotions in the same way.
It is not until I can experience my own feelings and stories, without judgement, that I can be at peace with myself and therefore with others.
It is not until I can be present with what is, in myself, that I can be fully present with what is in other people.
And it is not until I can recognize the emotions affecting my body, fully feel them and acknowledge them, that the energy they generate can be released and my body will no longer need to scream to be heard.
Of course, I could probably teach myself this lesson more gently if I were to camp legally, replace my left brake light, get maps before hitting big cities, wait out coastal storms before driving cliff-top roads, and stop crossing the border under sketchy circumstances.
But where would be the fun (I mean stress) in that?!
HIGH STRESS, that’s what happens!
I have been trying to dance a fine line between ‘organized’ and ‘instinctive’, between ‘planned’ and ‘easy-going’, ‘researched’ and ‘open to possibility’. But let’s face it, folks. When it comes right down to it, I just might be a highly structured person banging my head on the door of ‘free spiritedness’, and there’s a massive headache right around the corner.
Yesterday someone asked me, “So, Arjenna, why ARE you trying to wing it? Why not just accept that you’re a Type A, and organize things ahead of time? What’s wrong with that? It would be so much less stressful! ”
Hmm. Why indeed?
Well, in truth, because I knew it would make me more stressed and anxious!
In Gabor Mate’s book “When the Body Says No” he talks about the importance of emotional competence: “Emotional competence is what we need to develop if we are to protect ourselves from the hidden stresses that create a risk to health, and it is what we need to regain if we are to heal.”
One of the skills emotional competence requires is “the capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware when we are experiencing stress.” In addition, we require the ability to express our emotions effectively, to discern whether our emotional reactions are due to a current threat or some residue from the past, and to acknowledge our genuine needs instead of repressing them in order to gain approval.
Certain personality types (ie. mine), according to Mate, are more prone to experiencing physiological stress due to poor emotional competence. The holding in of emotions (especially anger) does damage to the body over time. Many of Mate’s patients, critically ill or on their death bed, were perpetually pleasant, smiling, and frequently told others that everything was ‘fine’. Rather than this being an attempt to experience genuine joy and see beauty in spite of their pain, these patients seemed to have lost touch with their own feelings, their anger, and their fears, and moreover had done so since childhood. Unfortunately (or fortunately), when one loses touch with the emotions, the body is still aware. It whispers at first, but if not heard, eventually it screams.
I know that screaming.
I also know what it is to feel a lack of connection with one’s body and one’s emotions, to be a perfectionist, to always be trying to please others, to not know how to express (or even to feel) strong emotions, to judge certain emotions as bad and to try to change them without ever having really experienced them or asked what was beneath them.
Many of us do. Some of us learn emotional competence sooner rather than later. And for most it’s a lifelong process.
So, why do my trip this way?
I guess part of me was curious as to whether I could open myself up, with gentleness and non-judgement, to whatever arose.
And boy have things arisen!! If nothing else, trying to wing it and forcing myself out of my comfort zone have truly shown me how much the triad of anxiety, fear, and stress affect my thinking, my patterns, and most of all my body. If I had any hopes of seeing myself as a Wonder Woman, blythly wandering around the country with courage and a new profound self-confidence, conquering all, they were to be dashed by about, oh, Day 2.
Recognizing emotions always leads me to the hidden ‘stories’ in my head which cause those emotions. And what stories there are! Stories around incompetence, lack of trust, what others think of me, failure, control, expectation, worth. They are circling in the back of my mind, hovering just out of consciousness, only recognizable because of the emotions they elicit. Frankly, those emotions are easily dealt with by distraction, a cup of good coffee, keeping busy, surfing the internet, checking facebook, eating chocolate, a glass of wine, sleep. But my body is not so easily placated.
Police car behind me? Every muscle is tight as a drum.
Steep winding road? White knuckles and neck so painful I can barely turn it to see what’s coming next.
No place to sleep yet tonight? Late for an appointment? Have to call someone I don’t know? Is my website satisfactory? Is this sentence ok? Did I just make a fool of myself? Do I have enough money to get me back home? Is that an odd noise from my car? What am I going to DO when I get back to Ontario? Do I have enough time to get to that town? Did I just cut that guy off? Are they honking at me? Is there a point to this trip? Did that ranger see my illegal campspot? Where can I park????
The beautiful scenery, fun opportunities, and interesting people whiz by in a hardly noticed blur, camouflaged by negativity and worry.
And when I get out of the car, I can hardly straighten up. My hips are so tight it hurts to take a step. Sitting is painful. Standing hurts. Sciatic is going on strike. Everything hurts on a level that is barely tolerable.
The question is this: Can I notice how my body feels, instead of always trying to distract myself from the physical and emotional stress, and can I do it with love?
It is not until I can be present with my own emotions, with gentleness, respect, and kindness, that I can truly be with others’ emotions in the same way.
It is not until I can experience my own feelings and stories, without judgement, that I can be at peace with myself and therefore with others.
It is not until I can be present with what is, in myself, that I can be fully present with what is in other people.
And it is not until I can recognize the emotions affecting my body, fully feel them and acknowledge them, that the energy they generate can be released and my body will no longer need to scream to be heard.
Of course, I could probably teach myself this lesson more gently if I were to camp legally, replace my left brake light, get maps before hitting big cities, wait out coastal storms before driving cliff-top roads, and stop crossing the border under sketchy circumstances.
But where would be the fun (I mean stress) in that?!